Questioning Humanity... or Lack Thereof

Explain to me exactly why there is a need in a week-old relationship for the guy to spend every night with the girl? I mean, usually it's the other way around... isn't it?

I understand that once a relationship is really formed, the inevitability of sleepovers is reached and it's obvious that roommates are going to either have to deal with an empty bedroom or the headboard banging in the room next door, but usually this commitment is reached after the one month period of there about.

My roommate and her flavor of the month have been shacking up since they first met. Usually, this deems the person a slut and the guy, well, a guy. So, apparently she's a slut who 'isn't having sex with him' and yet the headboard is going and there are moans and the like.

I may be a virgin, but I'm not stupid. You don't have to of had sex to know what sex sounds like. And really, I could care less that she's whoring herself out while "on a break" from the apparent love of her life. Obviously there's more to that story than anyone is letting out, but let's run with it. As the only other roommate in the place, having a stranger spend several nights in a row in the next room is not only awkward but unsafe. For all she knows, and me as well, he's some serial rapist who skins his victims when he's done with them. He could be making a human suit as we speak. Ok, not right this very minute since they're going at it, but you catch my drift. And he could be waiting for the trust to be gained by her, and her legs to open enough times, until he strikes. If he killed me and not her (why would you kill the cow when you're getting the milk for free?) could she be charged as an accessory to murder? Too bad we don't have corporal punishment.

The fact is, I don't feel safe in my own house. Last year was different when the (different) roommate brought home randoms from the bar since there were 12 other people or more in the house at any given time. One scream would have had the guys beating down our doors to avenge us. This is different. Plus, my door doesn't have a lock.

But I shouldn't feel as though I have to lock my own bedroom door at night. Right?

This also leads me to questioning; where the hell does this guy live anyways that he's always here? Can she not go to his place and shack up or what? Maybe he's still living with mommy and daddy? But if he is, and he wants to have sex, he should do it there too and let me sleep at night. Or he could just move out like a big boy.

I swear to all that is holy that if I hear sex sounds one more time while I'm trying to sleep I am going to beat on her bedroom door with the heel of a stiletto. Those things can make a lot of noise with utilized properly. Apparently they can help you get away from a sexual attacker as well if you aim it as their neck.

Note to self: make sure that all pointy shoes are within reaching distance from now on.

Do You Want to Buy Some Flowers?

I bought myself flowers the other day - snapdragons. They're sitting in a vase on my coffee table and they look very pretty. Does that make me pathetic, though, to be buying myself flowers? Of course, the fact that my roommate got red roses from her latest flavor of the month makes it seem all the more so.

But red roses are so cliche; if a guy really wanted to impress me he would get me something out of the ordinary. Or my favorite flower. Roses just seem to be the flower that you just buy without any real thought. They're worse than carnations in that way.

But what is the reason behind buying someone else flowers? Obviously, when you're trying to apologize for something flowers are a nice thing to give. Or anniversaries. Birthdays, theatrical performances, funerals, weddings, or just because. Those are the reasons in the greater scheme of things, but what about the emotions, the thought process?
Is there a greater meaning to giving flowers? Do they possess more than a pleasant aroma and an appealing feast for the eyes?
Can flowers substitute for the words of a person when they can't express what they truly want to? I mean, if someone who was both blind and deaf bought flowers for whatever reason, would the person who received them know automatically what they were for? Sure, if they were meant as a an apology for doing something completely stupid and it wasn't on the same day as a special occasion like an anniversary of a birthday then the reason would be obvious. But what if the reason was meant to be 'just because' but it fell onto a time where something stupid happened that needed to be apologized for and on an special occasion? Without the words to accompany the flowers everything is up in the air.

See, the giving of flowers can be a tricky business. I suppose that's why I would rather buy them for myself. Not that I have someone who would buy them for me in the first place, but still. There can be so many strings attached to flowers that in the end it really might not be worth it. Still, when a person is given flower, especially when it's 'just because', the feeling is so nice that it can be hard to recreate. It's such a genuine feeling of happiness, surprise, and loving.

Flowers look so pretty too. Maybe that's why I bought them for myself too; to bring some beauty into an otherwise dreary winter living. To make myself seem special. To feel loved. To feel happier. To feel special and slightly surprised whenever I see them on the table in the vase.

In-depth and Personal

So I got tagged in one of those facebook notes that your friends all write up and then expect you to write something too. I admit, when it's late and I can't sleep, sometimes those things are able to help. So here’s the one that I am expected to write;

Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

A little weird, right? Well, whatever. I have nothing better to do unless you count the things that I should be doing but that I don’t want to do. See the difference here? Anyways, here goes.

1. Even though I am 21 years of age, I still sleep with a teddy bear. Actually, there are three of them on the bed at all times. One is my old teddy from when I was little, and the other two are from sorority outings to build-a-bear. Honestly, though, there really isn’t anywhere else that they can go in my extremely small room anyways.

2. I can talk myself out of going to class so easily I’m pretty sure that I could teach a class on it. Of course, I would have to make myself go to class to teach. I’m thinking that there may be a vicious cycle here if I tried…

3. I want to work in the publishing world. What I really want to do it write best sellers, but I would settle for discovering them instead.

4. I get cold really easily and yet I have hot flashes.

5. I wish that I had a blackberry so that I could text people easier. Also, I think that there’s some small part of me who just wants to follow the trend of them. Actually, what I would really like is a sidekick but they’re only available in the states.

6. I’m so addicted to buying books and movies that I sometimes never even touch after buying them. It’s a bad habit but it’s a sort of compulsion to buy them; like a kleptomaniac needs to steal stuff. Of course, if I was klepto too, my bank account would be a lot fuller.

7. I’m often scared that I will never fall in love. This being said, never having sex, and dieing a virgin. Seeing uglier people than myself in relationships gives me a little hope, but then I wonder if they just settled?

8. I hate peas.

9. I think that David Bowie is super sexy. Especially in Labyrinth.

10. I often wish that I was a vampire. Seriously, though. I would be able to live forever, make tons of money, stay 21 forever, and be able to go back to school as many times as I wanted. Plus, I have the sun anyways and would rather sleep during the day, so it all would work out. And I’m sure that I would be able to live on bagged blood. Or I could just go out to the bar every night and give really good ‘hickeys’. Vampires always seem to be drop dead gorgeous too, so that would be a definite plus.

11. If I couldn’t be a vampire I would want to be a werewolf. They are seriously cool too.

12. I have a literary crush on Jacob Black – but only after he ages 10 years overnight. Otherwise that would be just wrong. I also have a literary crush on many characters from the Harry Potter world; like Fred and George… though they’re good looking in real life too.

13. I love black licorice.

14. Even though I am an only child, I have some amazing sisters.

15. I’m about to become an aunt from one of said sisters. She’s about to have a little boy named Aiden!

16. I, like Mel, want to live in Halloweentown with Jack and Sally.

17. I like to shower with the door open so that the moisture and heat can get into my apartment. It’s excruciatingly cold in my apartment and really dry too. So this definitely helps.

18. I love dresses but I hate to wear them in public because I don’t like to show off my legs; I think that they’re really fat and ugly. What I wouldn’t give to have skinnier legs…

19. In general, I would like to be thinner. This is something that I could probably do but it would require going to the gym; a place where I feel incredibly out of place when there are really in-shape people all around me. I would also have to eat more vegetables, but I really dislike a lot of those.

20. My eyes can turn a really weird shade of yellow.

21. It takes a lot to get my really angry, but when it happens I’m considered to be incredibly scary. The moral of the story is: don’t anger me.

22. I really don’t like to shave my legs, which is why I get them waxed. Of course, this resulted in getting a Christmas gift from Scott one year which consisted of disposable razors. Funny thing was, though I never used them, the fact that they were in my locker for the rest of the year really came in handy for other girls who needed one when they forgot to shave.

23. I have a very vulgar vocabulary and when the situation arises I think nothing of using words that other would never even mutter. The fact that you can use these words as nouns, adjectives, verbs and adverbs gives a lot of freedom to the context too.

24. I want to be able to work from home when I’m older and have a family for several reasons. First, so that I can sleep until whenever the hell I want. And second, so that if I have children, I can spend actual time with them. Sappy, I know, but it’s what I want in life. Along with the Victorian manor, handsome husband, and Doberman guard dog.

25. In the time that it took me to write this, I should have been showering, printing off my writing assignment – which I have to edit first – or sleeping so that I can get a decent number of hours of sleep for once.

My Future Self and Me

So, I need to write a piece of fiction or whatever in order to be considered for enrollment into this amazing creative writing class on campus. The only problem is, is that I've tried in vain for the last two years to get into it and nothing has come from it. It really makes me doubt my writing ability at times. And if I wasn't such a good girl I would contemplate stealing something from one of the good writers on fictionpress. Yes, that's rather sad that I would even think of it. But, really, I want into that class badly.
I think that I might give my first born to Rumpelstiltskin to get into it.
I would give up wearing shoes in winter... although that would result in frost bite. But that's just how much I want this.
See, here lies the problem. I seem to have no original ideas. I really do believe that I left my mojo in high school at the computer that I always used in writers craft. Seriously. That computer was the best thing to ever happen to me. Floppy disks too. Those things just seemed to inspire creativity since they were so behind in technology.
Then again, I do have a floppy disk thing that hooks into a USB port. maybe I should find that and go through all of the old stuff that I wrote during the good days where I wasn't suppressed by university, roommates, and life in general.
I should probably do that in the morning though. Right now my neck and shoulder are killing me. I think that carrying around my entire life in a shoulder bag isn't a good idea. But what else am I supposed to do? At least there aren't text books that I have to cart around with me as well. That would really mess up my body. Of course, my body has been fighting a winning war against me since I was 16.
That makes me feel do old. Seeing the kids I knew when they were in diapers in grade school now also makes me feel like I am about to keel over in my sleep too. Time is just going by way too fast for my liking. And yet not as fast as I would like it to some times.
There are many nights (and days when I should be paying attention in class) where I wish that I could go into the future and find out what my life is going to be like so that I know everything already. Then I wouldn't have to mess around with the dating scene and just focus on finding the man that I will have married. That is to say that I will ever get married. Sometimes that is my greatest fear; that I will be an old maid and never marry until the day that I die. I don't want that for myself. But then I look at the really pathetic people and see how they have found someone to be with for at least a long while and I am comforted by the fact that if they could find someone then I should be able to as well.
I don't want to settle though. And I don't want to get divorced. Well, maybe divorced once while I'm still in my twenties and there are no children involved. But once I have kids I want that to be it. I want to grow old with a husband and children who love me. I want the big family Christmases where everyone is under the same roof. I want the Victorian house with the gingerbread trim, the dog and the ornamental fence. But most of all I don't want to go through all of the bullshit concerned with getting there. I just want to know what the future holds now and I just want to get that.
Sad thing is, I know that it's too much to ask... At least until someone builds a time machine. Or I find a genuine fortune teller...

Greetings Earthlings

Yes, folks, this is what a person does at 4 in the morning when they are unable to sleep. Sure, I could be working on something more productive - like schoolwork - but the fact is when you want to be asleep but can't achieve it, nothing productive seems appealing. Hell, I could even be working on writing something for the class I want to get into but since there's nothing of value to write I do this.

Not that this isn't valuable. But, let's face it, I would never be able to hand this in and gain entry into a class where the entire point of getting accepted is from what you write. I look to this as more of an exercise to see just what kind of bullshit I can spew in a short amount of time. Sad, really, if you think about it.

No, what's really sad is that I have nothing better to do. And I don't feel like reading. If laying in bed trying to sleep wasn't so boring I would probably still be doing that. I suppose I could pop a few melatonin pills... but I really hate popping pills to begin with. Nope, this is better. Hopefully after I am done regurgitating whatever comes out in a fluid motion I will be tired enough to actually sleep. Then again, writing until I pass out may happen before that.

The night is really peaceful though. There's no noise coming from anywhere aside from the static white noise of life. And the possibility to be alone while there's really someone right next door is a heavenly thought; sometimes living under a rock looks like the most amazing thing in the world instead of where I am now.

But really, what is a person to do? Home is where the heart is and all that jazz. However, I think that I lost me heart somewhere. Maybe I left it in San Francisco... only problem is that I've never been there. Maybe it was surgically removed while I wasn't looking. Not having a heart could cause some major health complications in the near future...