You Know What I Am Saying?

So I am stuck in the middle of nowhere until I can sort my life out and make something of myself, and because of that I have to survive on dial-up at home or trek into the coffee shop in town and steal their internet while nursing a latte. Trust me, I don't want to be here but it's a last ditch resort since it's rent free thanks to my mother and I was able to find a job here at the local pharmacy.

This isn't how I imagined my life was going to pan out.

No, when I thought about what life would be like at 22, I never imagined working with high schoolers who think I'm their age, living with my mother, or being in social Siberia.

Nope, I thought that I would be finishing up my last year of University, hanging out with my friends, going to the bar a few times a month. Basically I thought that I would be living the student life and that I would then just be able fall into the adult world with a fantastic job in publishing and that would be that. My life would be made and I would be happy.

But no, I now have to live in the semi-real world and revert back into someone who I was in high school and someone that I never wanted to be again.

What's really sad is that I really have no friends here to hang out with or talk to. Either they are at school, or in another city, or I just plain lost touch with them since we all left for higher education. To be honest, there are few people from those years that I would even want to associate with anymore. So, really, it's a personal choice that I have no friends here now.

It's still sad.

I always was the type of person who would rather have a few close friends who I could count on than a lot of friends who were able to stab you in the back the minute that it was turned. Still, I have had my fair share of those ones.



What I really wish that I could just do would be to get a work visa for the States, move to New York or Boston or Los Angeles, get a job that I would love doing, and just live life happy. However I don't see that happening any time soon.

What I fear most is that I will be stuck in this Hell Hole of a town, fall into the white trash stereotype, get pregnant, and lower everything about myself to live an unhappy life and die with nothing to show for it other than children who would be doomed to repeat my mistakes.

I don't want to live a dead end life and I fear that that is what is happening to me. I just don't know how to stop it and I think that that scares me even more.

Stupidity Thy Name is Sorority

The world never ceases to amaze me with its stupidity. I will never understand why someone gets punished for getting things actually done for once, for going out of their way to make things better, or for, god forbid, letting stress get the better of them once in a while. Unless the above is done through nasty shit that goes against basic laws, where does someone get off punishing someone else for doing good and being human?

For example: I am a part of a sorority and am currently taking a year off for whatever reason. Due to that fact, I cannot associate with my sorority chapter – meaning that I can’t go to events as a recognized member wearing letters and that I can’t be involved in other sisterhood events unless invited – I also can’t continue to work on the website that I worked really hard on last year. Still, no one else wanted to work on it and rather than the updates suddenly stop just after final exams last spring, so I continued to update it so that the sorority didn’t look bad to perspective new members. In my mind, I thought that that would be a good thing for the sorority. Apparently my wanting the best for the chapter is frowned upon. Silly me. Anyways, long story short, they delete my profile from one of the websites that I created in affiliation with the main website – a members only page and an online note bank – and failed to mention anything to me. When I asked too many questions and only received lies, I got reprimanded by our evil advisor who has the mentality that she is supposed to do more than only ‘advise’. Someone needs to give her a dictionary and open it to the page where that definition is.

Of course, her being an uber bitch is a whole different matter.

Granted, it also plays into this scenario.

A good friend of mine, the one who really got me interested in the sorority, is about to be kicked out for no other reason than the fact that that same advisor doesn’t like her. Sure, there are other reasons, but they are all completely fabricated and manipulated to suit what they want done. Admittedly, my friend can be a bit abrasive at times, however she, like I, doesn’t deal well with stupid people and it gets the better of her. Sadly, the vast majority of the sorority has a lot of stupid moments and several of the girls are just plain dim-witted. Seriously, they are so dense that it makes you wonder how they even got into a post-secondary institution that doesn’t cater to future wait-staff and construction labourers.

Apparently stupid also translates into idiotic and insane because they are the ones who are pissed off at my friend because she was a bit bitchy at times and was able to get several things done at once without people backing her up who should have been helping her instead of hindering her. She got in serious trouble once, being sent to the equivalent of court, and having the entire board against her and trying to get her to resign from the sorority. She, not being one to be pushed around and not being a girl who gives up easily, didn’t take it and didn’t quit. She rebutted everything that they were able to throw at her, incredibly stupid things that are not grounds for this kind of action, and they went against basic protocol in order to try and get the upper hand on her. Of course, she’s generally not a stupid girl; sometimes when it comes to guys, but not generally otherwise.

Then, she called me this afternoon and left me a message. Basically, they’re trying to throw her out for good and no one seems to be helping her. This is where I don’t understand why they’re doing what they are. She is one of the only girls who is able to actually get things done within this stupid, pathetic example of a sorority. The huge philanthropy event that the sorority throws, she completes it, makes it a complete success, all while there is more drama than any sane person would be able to deal with and come out with as much class as she did, and then they throw is back in her face because most of the girls who were supposed to help her were making trouble that shouldn’t have been made. Before that, she was one of the main girls who helped another sorority sister and real friend with the recruitment process. She was the main go-to girl about anything next to the main director and the advisors. They threw the added stress that she had to handle with that right back in her face too after an amazing recruitment.

So basically the moral of the story is that, if you’re thinking of joining a sorority and are not a stupid person who doesn’t deal well with those who are, think twice. Admittedly I had some good experiences, but the drama tends to drown that out. I also found some amazing friends along with girls who I wouldn’t care if they dropped dead in the next five minutes. The bad outweighs the good and though I don’t regret is necessarily, I wouldn’t mind if I hadn’t had to deal with the drama, the politics, the nastiness, the backstabbing and the general idiocy that came with it. Maybe it’s just the way that sororities are run in Canada, maybe it’s just the chapter that I belong to, but if this was how I knew it would have all played out I would have thought more on it.

They say that your sisters are the girls who will be friends with you and will be there for you all throughout your life. That your sisters will be your bridesmaids and the godmothers to your children. I say that of the girls who are supposed to be your sisters, you might only have three or four who you will keep in contact with once you leave school. They are the ones that the statistics are talking about and compared to the number of ‘sisters’ you have in a sorority, that’s a very small percentage. They are the ones who will remember your birthday without someone telling them or seeing it posted on facebook. They are the ones who will still make a point to call you and talk to you just to see how life is going. They are the ones who will be there for you no matter what happens in life. Everyone else will turn their back, play the Academy Award winner in fakeness whenever they see you if they even choose to acknowledge you, who will talk about you nastily behind your back, and who would turn their back on you when you would need them most. They are, sadly, also the stupid ones who always seem to end up running things.

At this point right now, I am so fed-up with my sorority that I want nothing to do with the majority of them. I believe that, at least where my chapter is concerned, the entire thing to be bullshit. The garbage that they spew about always being there for a sister, about being connected by the bonds of sisterhood, and about sisterhood being forever is just that: grade ‘A’ garbage direct from the bowels of Hell. They are the reincarnation of the Witch Hunts of the past and their prime targets are those girls who can actually lead without being incompetent and those who are outspoken, different, and who can think for themselves and have their own opinions.

Warning: 100 Proof

Ok, it is wildly known among my peers and family that I am not a big drinker. Honestly, I don’t care for the taste and I really don’t like being drunk. I have never passed out (unless I was going to bed) and I have never blacked out due to excessively ingesting alcoholic beverages.

When I do drink, it’s strictly beer or some girly beverage which you can’t taste the actual alcohol in.

Vodka tastes like rubbing alcohol, rum is like garbage, and bourbon was forever ruined when a friend made me take a shot before getting in a cab once. Keep in mind that this was my first ever shot of any alcoholic beverage.

I wasn’t a drinker in high school and first year of university was when I went “wild” and had two hangovers. Two. Told you I wasn’t a drinker.

I also can’t understand why people are. I mean, I understand, I can physically compute the reasoning and whatnot, but it’s more like I can’t see why. Sure, some people use it to cope with their pitiful lives and they think that that’s a viable excuse, but there are other ways. Then there are the really pathetic people who think that they can’t have fun without drinking too much. In university and in the real world I encountered way too many people like that. It’s as though they think that since so many people do it that it’s acceptable.

Of course, I am not necessarily against those few nights a year when it might be a special occasion where you go out with your friends to celebrate and you drink a little too much. Hey, it happens to the best of people. What I don’t understand is that when you reach your limit, you’re happily buzzed and yet can still stand of your own free will and though your speech is slurred and you’re a little inhibited, you still know what you’re saying even if it’s constant ‘foot-in-mouth’. But why would you want to black out and not remember what happens next?

I know girls, especially, who go out and do this every weekend. They have lost phones, cameras, wallets, jackets, and what little dignity they possess all because they want to be like that. And then they whine about it.

Point and case, there are these two girls that I know who are best friends and have been since grade school. They are always complaining about not having money – something else which I can never understand – because they go out all the time, several times a week, and spend hundreds of dollars on alcohol. One of said girls has been having problems with her stomach which has remained undiagnosed. Now, if it was me and I was experiencing extreme pains in my stomach, I would try and, oh, not drink for a while and see if that helped. But not, she still drinks like a fish. It’s as if she’s not smart enough to put two and two together and get something other than negative seven. It would at least be something that I would try. Tests have shown that alcohol can strip rust off of metal if submerged long enough… I think. Anyways, it’s potent and if cola can dissolve a tooth when submerged for a few days, think that several years of being soaked in alcohol could do to a stomach.

It’s like, “Hello! Use your brain and common sense”.

I totally could have lived during prohibition and of been unaffected.

People are so stupid sometimes.

Liar Liar

One thing that I absolutely hate is when people lie to me. I'm not a little girl and I can take the truth no matter what it is. Either it's going to make me stronger or I'm going to break down, cry, and eat an entire tube of cookie dough. Thinking about it, I do believe that that would still make me a stronger person.

The worst thing is when someone you consider to be your friend is the one who lies to you. I mean, I can understand the little white lies about looking fat or cooking being amazing, but I still would rather have the truth. Then, there are the people who give you half-truths or just don't tell you the whole story. Sometimes I think that those are the worst and I'm not an idiot so nine times out of ten I can figure out what's really going on for myself. Plus, so much drama and hurt can be avoided if people are just outright with what they tell you.

It makes me wonder if those people were ever really your friend to begin with, or if they should remain as one after.

Love is a Battlefield

The thing about love, at least I think so, is that you never really know that you have it until it's too late... or almost too late in some instances.

Of course, I can't speak from experience. Aside from the familial love that I have for my friends and family, I've never had that real, deep, heart-breaking kind of love that other people have had.

That's the problem with love though, isn't it. For all the good that it can bring and the good that it can make you feel, the good doesn't always outweigh the bad. It's like life really; no matter how good it is, you always seem to focus and remember the bad times.

I think that's why it scares me so much. It never seems to end all 'happily ever after' unless you're reading about it in a romance book. Hell, even television shows and movies are reflecting the realities of life more than ever and showing that not everything ends all wrapped up in a nice little bow. It makes you wonder if it's even worth the hurt that is ultimately the end. But then you have to wonder what the world would be like without love. It is, after all, a driving force behind so much even when it's misdirected and overwhelming.

I watch this amazing British show called "Skins" and within the series they really are able to sum up how love it in one amazing set of dialogue.

Cassie: Do you know what hurts most about a broken heart? Not being able to remember how you felt before... try and keep that feeling, because... if it goes... you'll never get it back
Chris: What happens then?
Cassie: You lay waste to the world... and everything in it.

This really is an amazing quote. It's so full of raw emotional power that you can feel the pain that love can bring on when it's been abused and taken away. Because what is a broken heart but the sudden forceful removal of love from someone? And from that sudden extraction come emotions which make you want to just get revenge, closure, anything that will make you feel more like a person and less like emptiness.

After all, isn't it a ritual to destroy anything that reminds you of the person who conquered and then defeated and pulverized your heart? I know that even with the few boyfriends that I have had I burned pictures and love notes that they had given to me during the time that we were together. Hell, there are even photos documenting the eradication of them. It's cleansing for the soul or something... at least it's supposed to be.

It really just proves that love can cause more damage than hate ever could because hate springs eternal from love just as love can come from hate. It all really plays into the whole 'circle of life' thing to take an example from "The Lion King".

Of course, this is just what I think. I suppose that when I actually experience the shattering feeling inside that you get when your heart has been figuratively ripped from your chest I'll know for sure, but for right now just from observing life this is what I imagine it to all be.

Bonjour Unemployment!

So, summer is over and so is my job. This means that I am unemployed and seeking some form of payment so that I can save money for school and not wind up living in a box under a bridge.

However, right now I'm taking time and visiting friends in Montreal and it's quite relaxing.

Of course, as soon as I let myself relax the creeping fear shows up once again and reminds me that my money is starting to dwindle and that I need another job. Preferably one where I don't have to pay rent.

It would also be nice to not have to live with a parent. Or another roommate. My hermit tendencies never mesh well with prolonged exposure to someone in my space. It's a problem, I know, but not one that I have to deal with for a while.

Being single means that you don't HAVE to share personal space with anyone. Being an only child just reinforces that.

I'm not going to lie though, it would be nice to have someone to share my miserable existence with. Someone to share being unemployed. Actually, scratch that. I don't want to be with someone who is also unemployed unless he's in school or something and doing something with his life.

Hey, a girl has to have some standards.

Aparently I have enough to keep me off of the dating scene.

Whatever.

Who knows, maybe unemployment will coax out Mr. Right Now of not Mr. Right.

The 7 Things I Hate About You

I really hate people. No lie. People are, for the most part, annoying, aggravating, idiotic, unintelligent, assholes. And that's just using vowels.
Take tonight for example.

Some fucking prepubescent little cackling whores are blaring a disturbing rendition of Lady GaGa's 'Poker Face' sung by a guy from their vehicle. Normally, one would be able to overlook this serious lack of... well, anything, but everything goes right out the window when it's two in the fucking morning and I have to work the next day.

I mean, seriously?

When did common courtesy and decency leave all humanity? Or at least a vast majority of it. Is is so hard to turn down music around midnight when you're surrounded by the working class? Apparently it is.

Do parents not teach their children manners anymore? Or do they foist them off onto the pigs of society and let them fester in their own ignorance?

Contemplation Station

Sometimes I think that I should just take up smoking in order to have something to do and something to help deal with the stress...

Are You There Blog? It's Me, -k.

Dear Blog,

It has been over a month since my last rant to you. I realize now that it is because I have absolutely no life to speak of.

I go to sleep (sometimes), wake up (unfortunately), get dressed, go to work, come home, and repeat. There is maybe one time a week where that changes... and even then it's not by much.

No, sadly, I spend my time wasting life on the net, watching Miyazaki movies (did you know that Howl's Moving Castle was a book before it was a movie?), and eating. Is this why I feel like a blimp that ate a whale? I think so.

In fact, the only remotely interesting thing that has happened lately is that Tori tried to contact me, again, several times. Seriously, is it too much to ask that she moves to Antarctica and gets over herself? I only want to be rid of her and that unfortunate waste of space which I reluctantly call kin. Let me tell you, though, if she thinks that she's going to set one solitary toe near my family for Christmas or the upcoming cousin nuptials she has another thing coming.

Note to self: Make sure that I can get a totally hot, successful date for these functions. I don't care if I have to hire someone, I will show her that she is an idiot and that I am a better person than her in all ways. As it is, I am already the smarter, prettier, and skinnier one so I'm already winning.

God I can be such a bitch.

Anyways, it's true. Her ugliness reflects from the inside outward. Add on top of that her ineptitude at life, her veiled outlook at love, and her vast immaturity... See? She's not pretty at all.

But really. To think that your first "love" is going to last is a pipe dream. I'm not saying that it doesn't happen (in fairy tales and harlequin romances) but I am saying that a person needs to live life before they know anything. After all, a person doesn't just assume that they know everything about biochemical engineering without going and spending thousands of dollars at a top university for four years+. What, then, makes people think that anything else about life is any different?

But I digress.

Life as I know it has been dull and with no future planned for the upcoming year things can only get more interesting.

On that note, I need to find a job that I can tolerate - though it would be ideal to find one that I really like - for the next 11 months. I've been contemplating teaching English abroad in Asia or Africa. I think that that would be really neat and a terrific learning experience. I'm also looking into finding a job at a resort out west.

Basically I want a job where room and board are somewhat taken care of with the job so that I can save as much money as possible.

I think that that means that I have to stop buying cosmetics... or books... or movies...

Well, at least I'm not a clothes-horse. There's a positive to the situation.

I know that I cannot, and WILL NOT, move anywhere near the Ottawa area. The more space that I can put between myself and my mother's majority of the family the better. It only sucks that I won't be close to my mum. Seriously though, I can only tolerate a handful of that side of the family. The rest are drunks, drug addicts, and lay-abouts who marry too young, pro-create when they can't financially support, and drink away their life thinking that they have it all.

It's sad.

If I ever come to think that way, I want everyone that I meet to hit me. Hard. In the face. If you break my nose, it will just add to my realization that I have become insane if only for a moment.

And The Verdict Is...

So it's official. This girl is not going to be returning to school next year.

Fucking politics and policies.

Really? I mean, come on.

In a fair society you would think that, since I went through all of the trouble of writing a petition to the Dean of my faculty, was brutally honest, sincere, and downright begging, you would think that they would cut me a little slack. Especially when being on academic probation wasn't even my fault to begin with but was due to my body hating me and wanting to ruin my life any way possible.

First over 6 months on liquids only and now this.

You know, I think that I knew that I was going to get bad news when I got home last night. I was driving home from the movies, it was dark and the highway was basically void of life and I couldn't stop wondering what would happen if I just kept driving until something stopped me. Screw work, screw worried parents, screw life. At the time I just wanted to be alone driving down a deserted road.

Hindsight being what it is, driving would have been a better option than coming home and reading a very nice e-mail stating that I have to withdraw from school for a whole year. The real kicker was this little add on at the bottom - "I would encourage you to use the year off productively if you intend to re-apply since the committee reviewing re-admissions looks favourably on applicants who have made the most of their time outside of the University."

It's almost a slap in the face. Exactly what else am I going to do for an entire year but 'be productive' until I can re-apply? Hello, I'm not going to live in my parent's basement and play guitar hero for 12 months straight with no job and nothing else to occupy my time. Granted, that would be hard to do anyways since I don't own Guitar Hero nor do I currently live in a basement at my dad's house. He doesn't even have a basement...

The point is, I'm going to get whatever kid of job that I can as soon as my summer employment is done and I'm going to make money to pay off my student loans until I can start wracking them up again. Hopefully I can even make enough money to NOT have to get any more loans and just fund myself through the last few years of scholastic life. Ahhh... the dreams that one can have...

To add to my already sucking life, I have no social life outside of one day a week when I sometimes see friends on my day off. I work 40 hours a week with people who are all more than twice my age - though absolutely amazing - and there are basically no people around who are my age; the few that there are I can pretty much count on one hand. This leaves absolutely no opportunities for a summer romance let alone a real relationship which might finally result in the losing of my 21 year old virginity.

I lead a pathetic life. I really do.

On the bright side, my dad bought me back my horse that he sold a few years ago. This guy is an absolute giant and a huge baby. I love him and I spend as much free time with him as possible.

See, I really don't have a life.

FML For Real

So exams are over, summer has begun, and life is starting to end. Basically, the final marks are posted and I'm screwed royally.

Here's the deal; I was on accademic probation this past year due to poor health resulting in being exempted from most of my courses last year. I then passed one class and failed another, leaving me with a less than stellar overall average. It's cool though. As long as this year I made over an average of 60% for everything and didn't fail any courses I was fine and could continue on with my studies as happy as a clam.

I made the overall average, no problem.

But then came Narrative Theory. I admit, I was in over my head for a lot of it and most of it was my fault for not doing the short story readings. Or really any of the readings until later in the year. I fully admit to that. But by the end of the semester I was catching on to the concepts and putting together things in different ways. I studied my ass off for the exam, though I suppose I could have done more, and even though I didn't feel secure about how I did, I didn't think that I failed it.

Boy was I wrong.

At my university, in the english courses, you have to pass both the course work and the final exam in order to pass the course. I passed the coursework no problem despite the poor showings are the beginning of the semester. However, I failed the final exam by 6%. Six bloody percent. In any normal class, even failing the final exam, I would have passed the course. The exam was only worth 35% overall. Sadly, I missed an entire part of a question, which lost me 10 marks automatically, marks which would have made the difference, and I mixed up "The Death of Ivan Ilych" with Ambrose Bierce's "An Occurrence at Owl-Creek Bridge". Now, after all is said and done, I know which short story is which and what happens in each, but at the time I was stressed and I guess I wasn't thinking straight.

I also just wanted to be done with the course. But, really, I thought that the first was the second and nothing that I wrote could be counted towards anything.

See, this is where life starts to truly show its hate for me.

To make things worse, after waiting two weeks for an answer from my Prof. about my marks and the deadline for appeals looming overhead, I finally get this response: "I certainly sympathize with your situation, and would have liked to see you pass the course. Unfortunately, I'm unable to give the exam a passing grade (it's especially difficult because of the missing 10-point answer). In short, my hands are tied."

To this is responded in asking whether or not I would be able to write the equivilent of a take-home exam or complete an extra credit project in order to make up that freaking 6%.

That was last week and I'm still waiting for an answer.

You would think that a Professor who would have liked to see me pass would have responded by now. Again. The first time he only answered because I e-mailed my TA after a week of nothing and HE e-mailed the Prof.

Now, unless my Prof. decides to get off his arse and e-mail me back with a yes or no answer, I have to appeal to the Dean of my faculty and practically beg to be allowed to continue on in school. This is something that I really don't want to do because I really don't have a good answer like last time. No illness, no extenuating circumstances other than having to listen to my roommate being a slut. I basically tried my hardest, wrote a night exam on little sleep, and wasn't able to do good enough. But what really pisses me off is that I passed the course! I mean, in a persentage perspective I did, with somewhere around a 60%... I think. My math isn't that great, hence being in Arts and Humanities. This stupid technicallity is going to cost me an entire year of schooling. That's a year that I already had planned for things to do, the classes that I wanted to take, and what I wanted to accomplish.

All this can be summed up in one word,

That Funny Feeling

Ok, have you ever had that feeling where you were extremely bored but didn't want to do anything? That is, you wanted to do something but your body was just too unsatisfied with itself that it didn't want to move, so nothing happened and you became even more bored.

That happens to me all the time.

It's like when you know that you want to eat something but that there's a certain something that you want to eat only you don't know what it is and until you eat it you're not satisfied.

I hate it when that happens.

Right now, I'm suffering from the boredom of life and there's nothing that I want to do to relieve it. Hence why I'm writing a blog; I don't really have to move and I'm only putting to "paper" what I'm thinking about anyways. What I should be doing is sleeping... or maybe reading 'My Sister's Keeper' by Jodi Picoult.

Alas I am doing neither of those things. Instead I'm writing and surfing the Internet, stopping at my daily haunts and being bored. At least I'm getting a few laughs in. That's one thing about my daily websites; they are always entertaining and it would be hard to choose a favourite which is why I'm just going to share them all.

http://www.questionablecontent.net/ is a weekday comic that is absolutely hilarious. Last week the artist did an entire storyline about tray-boozling - well his version of it anyways. It brought back some amazing memories from the huge snowstorm from my first year of university that actually caused a snow day during Christmas exams. Good times.

http://www.fmylife.com/ is another site which I check multiple times a day. I think that reading about other people's lives and about how they are worse off than I am makes me feel a little better about my life. Most of the time though I can't stop myself from laughing at the absurdity of everything that is on there. It's a real pick-me-up either way you look at it.

http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/ is a new one for me to frequent. My friend Rachelle just told me about it a few nights ago and I laughed so much. It's funny because I can picture the state that most of these people are in when they initially send their text messages. I can also picture some of the people that I know sending texts like that to other people. I have laughed so hard sometimes while reading that I have shed a tear or two. Seriously, it's a must read.

Looking at the time I realize that it is 4am and that in only a few short hours I should be driving home for a few days in order to see my mother over Mother's Day. In the time that I will be there I will have to live with only dial-up Internet, a fact which always makes me sad. I can't strea anything and even a YouTube video that's less than 5 minutes takes over an hour to process itself.

See? This would be a major part of my personal hell when I die. That and being stuck with stupid people and nothing to eat but peas. I hate peas. I hate stupid people even more.

Anyways, I really should get some sleep. Or at least read a book until I get so tired that I can no longer keep my eyes open. That way I don't run the risk of breaking my computer by having it fall off the bed if I pass out in the middle of being on it...

ExamCram

These late nights really have to stop. I know that during exams the entire basis is to sleep as little as possible all while shoving forgotten or newly learned knowledge into your head only to promptly forget it again once that specific topic is over and done for thr exams, but really, it's making me so sick and tired.

I have written two exams out of three, a relatively low number in comparison to most people, but since I have a tendancy to not really go to class, studying was intense. I'm talking sitting on one place for hours on end and generally still being there at 2 in the morning.

Things are going to be so much nicer once Thursday night at 10pm comes around because at time time, whether I have finished actually writing in the exam booklet or not, I will be done exams for the year... unless I take a summer course.

Seriously, if I paid in love and baking, do you think that someone would break both my legs and my dominant arm so that I wouldn't have to write this last exam?

Whoever thought of Narrative Theory as a subject should be drawn and quartered.

Hole - Ground - Swallow

Ugh. Exams are looming, as in I'll be done in just about a week and a half, and I still have a final essay due in the morning.

I have really dug myself into a hole on this one.

See, the essay was due last Tuesday, with an extension given if you didn't want comments back but rather just a mark. I, of course, thought that this was ideal because I had other final projects and essays due - meaning that I wouldn't be stressing myself out over a million different things all at the same time. Well, now I'm just stressing about 999,999 things instead.

First there's the "world's worst friend",

then exams,

then the possibility that, if I don't pass everything and have at least a 60 average, that I'm going to fail, which would mean that I would be kicked out of school,

leading to the fact that if I do get kicked out of school, I won't be able to do anything next year (really) with the sorority. This means no recruitment, no marketing, and no calendar on top of the no parties. Sure, I could still do that stuff but then I would just be that weird chick who isn't in school because she flunked out, but who hangs around all the time when she's not working.

Next comes the fact that my mother isn't siding with me on the whole "evil frenemy" issue and when I last talked to her about it I was on the verge of a complete emotional breakdown. While at work. Where my dad is my boss. Where there are many people all over the place who, I'm pretty sure, saw me getting yelled at for not paying attention, which resulted in me completely breaking down and crying. At work. In front of my dad. On the plus side he was able to handle the situation rather well.

To top it all off are the money troubles, the roommate struggles, and the fact that my apartment STILL has not been signed over in the lease because my roommate is a complete bitch.

And I'm sure that there are other small things that I just don't realize are adding to this mountain of stress.

Right now though this essay is top of the list. I have to write a 10 page essay (double spaced) on a topic concerning Narrative Theory.

Seriously, dig the freaking hole and bury me alive because I think that that would be preferable over this. Add in maggots and worms and everything else that would give a person nightmares that lives below the ground and I would still take that option.

Wow...

The stupidity of the world astounds me every day.

I mean, really, this goes beyond saying stupid things, and generally just not thinking before acting. No, I'm talking about the absolute stupidity, ignorance and naïveté that people cling to in order to justify themselves.


Then again, sometimes people are just really stupid...

Let's hope that it's not going to be genetic or else society is going to be fucked as we know it.

I am a Malicious Bitch

In case you haven't already noticed/discovered/realized, I am a very blunt person. At least in my own head I am and here on my blog. The only other times that I am coarse is when I care about someone dearly. This, my readers, is reserved only for people who are my close friends and family.

So when those two collide there are problems.

But let us back this up to closer to the beginning.

See, my good friend, at least she was until about a week ago, started to date my cousin over the summer. He's a good two years younger than her in age, older than her in looks, and about 15 years younger in the maturity level - which is feat since hers are really low at this moment. Maybe that makes them about even...

Anyways, the point here is that I know them both extremely well and I am usually the one who had to clean up their messes.

In fact, during the summer, though before they started dating, my cousin got naked and had several hours of not remembering with another close friend of mine. I was the one who could be heard screaming all through my sorority house while the other girls were packing and I think that people in Taiwan heard me too. Needless to say, at first the story seemed as though they had unsafe sex and were driving drunk. It turned out that it was a 'no' to the sex but a 'yes' to the drunk driving. Both of them got an ear-full from me that weekend.

Ok, back on track.

Within the last two weeks, my friend who is dating my cousin, let's call her Tracy, came to visit me at university. We had a good time but it was always interfered with by my cousin, let's call him Jamie, constantly texting and calling her. And do I mean constantly. It was so noticeable that my friends mentioned it to me after that she seemed distracted and a little anti-social. This fact is something that Tracy herself admitted that she felt that way to me during a drunken heart-to-heart; her feeling antisocial because she was always on her cell phone. Other than that, her visit was fun. We went out, had good times, and generally just did girly stuff for two days.

But then last Friday happened.

I went with close friends of mine to an open frat party and proceeded to get quite drunk. Before I go any further, though, let me add that in the last two years the amount of times that I have gotten even tipsy are few enough to count on one hand. That's in TWO YEARS. The amount of times that I have even had an alcoholic beverage aren't that much more. So, being a drunk girl, I drink-dial two of my close girl friends who weren't there with me. Rachelle was proceeding to get drunk herself in Montreal which I only got Tracy's voicemail. So I left a message.

Not five minutes later I receive a text from Jamie saying, and I quote,

"Can u explain how I'm the alcoholic? Nice voicemail there drunky"

to which I reply,

"You are an asshole",

only it was more incorrectly spelled. Hey, it's hard to text while drunk. He then replies,

"and ur drunk as usual".

Didn't we just go over how I am practically NEVER drunk? I then reply,

"I am never drunk asshole",

this time spelling everything correctly. I think it was more to show that I was more sober than I really was, but who knows exactly what was going through my mind at the time.

His response - "Ya ok watever helps u sleep at night".

And I left it there. He was ruining my night and all I wanted to do was have one more night of fun before exams started. Hell, the few nights of real fun that I have had in the past two years don't even make a blip on the radar of fun. Even if I partied every night from now until September I don't think that I would even be caught up on fun.

The next morning continued in a downward spiral, thankfully minus a hangover, with Tori texting me,

"U drunk fool i didn't understand a word u said to me last night".

Well, I was drunk and in the middle of a freaking frat party... Did you expect to be able to understand anything? I don't think that Superman with his super sonic hearing would have heard what I said with clarity. So, uh, duh?

"Yeah well [tell] your boyfriend that my messages to you do not warrant responses from him. But my night was great minus that",

was my answer to that.

Then she said,

"He just getting u back and ur msg was incoherent so u cant say anything now when he drinks"

Explain that logic to me. I'm having an alcoholic scolding me on my booze intake... Where does that make sense? And, really, how petty and low does a person have to be to say something like that to me - what he said and not her - as a way of 'getting back at me'. See where his whole immaturity thing comes in?

I then say, through two texts because the word limit ran out,

"That makes no sense. If i wanted to talk to him i would. I wanted to talk to you and if memory serves the two of you are not the same person. And you seriously wonder why your friends all hate him? THAT is why"

Needless to say, she stopped responding to my texts after that.

So after a few days of her ignoring me, I sent her an e-mail basically saying that I don't appreciate Jamie responding to message that I leave for her on his own phone. Really, it's one thing if someone messages someone else and their significant other messages back a response on behalf of the original recipient because they were unable to themselves. That is something that is nice and allowed. Really, it's common courtesy. It's quite another for the significant other to take it into their own hands to respond in order to mock you or to be an asshole.

Tracy does not understand this simple concept which is why she took his side.

Her reply to my e-mail which expressed my concerns for her, for how she was going to treat a mutual friend while that friend was visiting her in Toronto, and my personal feelings was this:

"I cant deal with anymore, I chose him"

Yes, I am small enough a person that at right this moment I am taking pleasure that she's stupid enough to not use proper grammar in an e-mail. Of course, in a few days I might be guilty about that. But for now, it makes me feel better about the world.

Shall we look at the bigger picture though? Yes, I was harsh in the e-mail that I sent her. I was hurt by my close friend, it's a normal reaction. I did take the time to have another friend read over the e-mail before I sent it though and get her opinion. She said that, at first, she would be hurt but that she wouldn't let something like that ruin our friendship. She's a much better friend to me than Tracy then.

Let me now take the time that at no point in said e-mail did I give her an ultimatum. I am not the sort of person who would do that to a friend no matter what the situation. I didn't mean for her to feel the need to make one either. When I countered her e-mail I stated that, along with the fact (again) that when I contact her I don't want him being the one to write back, I also said,

"We can still be friends and I can not enjoy your boyfriend's company. It's not impossible...So if YOU really don't want to be my friend anymore, fine; there's nothing that I can do to change that. But don't I at least deserve more than a one sentence response? Especially when all I did was tell you how I felt and gave you some advice".

Again, all that I said was what I felt. I'm sorry that I'm the type of person that I worry about my friends and all that I want for them is the best that can happen to them. I don't want her to find up obese (let's be honest, she's a big girl already), living in her home town with a shit job at the variety store, more children than she can financially afford, and a marriage that is failing because neither one of them had fully discovered their true selves before jumping off the deep end. This is a situation that I have seen way too many times and I don't want it to happen to her.

What really hurts is that, not only does she think that I'm only maliciously attacking her "true love" (She has had one other boyfriend in her 22 years and he was gay. We all knew that he was gay before they started dating and she refused to believe it. They didn't even really kiss while they were 'dating'.), blah, blah, blah, but she also thinks that I am a liar and would say anything in order to get my point across. Thanks, but I would never stoop that low. I may be a bitch but I'm not a complete waste of space with no life of her own.

She also thinks that I'm "constantly cruel" to her boyfriend and start things with him. Yeah, he's the one that starts them, he's the one who messages me, and he's the one who is "constantly cruel". I just defend myself. On top of that, just because I've never been "in love" I don't know what it is, and I'm childish.

I admit, I have my childish moments (who doesn't) but I'm more mature than both of them on one of my bad day.

I'm also, supposedly, ignorant and if you "ask anyone [I am] notorious for sticking [my] nose where it does not belong! "

She then ends the e-mail, "To remain my friend, i require you to keep your comments to yourself, as i no longer will be needing any of your advice. Do not contact [jamie] in any way as i have requested him to do as well and come back to me when you have figured out what it is within you that bothers you so much about us being together and your hatred for him. Until then, please leave us alone"

Oh, I'm also "jelous" of what the two of them have.

Yeah, I'm really jealous of the fact that she flunked out of a low-end university, had to live at home for a year to pay off some of her debt, is still in debt, went to college for make-up (ok that is pretty cool and something that I think would be amazing to do) only to end up working at The Body Shop and going nowhere with what she has learned, dating a guy two years younger, and losing her own self in said relationship. Wow, that's a lot to be jealous of.

Thanks, but I'm quite happy going to university for a degree that will let me get into publishing, having amazing friends and my sorority sisters, living my life according to my own rules, being myself, and discovering who I am mean to be. Oh yeah, I'm super jealous of you Tracy.

Oh get a clue.

And I know what bothers me. It bothers me that I care enough about you that I want you to live life to its fullest and with where you are now and what you're doing, I can see it not happening at all. That's what bothers me.

And what really bothers me that, this not being the first time that she's bailed on being my friend because of something or other (always stemming from her own personal problems and me being an easy target to take them out on), I still don't want to see bad things happen to her and I just want the best of everything for her life. That's what friends are meant for. I don't want her to get hurt, I don't want to see her making stupid decisions with her life. I don't want her to fall into the small-town mentality trap and waste her life away working a shit job for minimum wage.

But I'm also tired of her walking all over me and dangling our friendship on a string. As much as I still want to be friends with her I can also see that she's a poisonous friend who only ever seems to think of herself, or at least only ever sees one side. I always feel as though I'm the one who has to make sure that our friendship is still on the tracks; that we are still friends.

So I ended my last e-mail to her,

"But, really, you know what, fuck you. I've said my piece and I'm not going to jump through hoops to remain your friend. Friendship isn't about "requirements" it's about truth and I have been nothing but truthful to you about everything. If it's something that you don't like then it's something that we talk about until we sort it out. Friendship isn't about repressing your emotions, your advice, or your thoughts. It's about compromise and understanding that everyone isn't cookie-cutter alike, something which I don't think you quite understand yet, and it's about realizing that you're going to have opposing views on things and that that's ok. It's also about realizing that friendship should count more in your life than a relationship; hos over bros and all that. So when you have your metaphorical balls surgically re-attached and your head removed from your ass, and the 'honeymoon' phase of your relationship is over you can try and contact me."

I admit, though, that having lost as many friends as I have over the years, from moving, to change in school, to change in hobbies, I'll more than likely become her friend again when her life falls down around her. I'll have my personal 'I told you so' moment and we'll carry on.

She was my friend before him, hopefully she might be my friend after him.

For now though, I'm done. She's ultimately dead to me. And it's really sad.

I just wish that things weren't like this, but I'm not going to change. I'm a cynical person who can come off as a bitch but I see reality for what it is, and I'm going to tell you what I think if you really mean that much to me whether or not you want to hear it.


Take it or leave it. I may be a bitch but at least I'm always going to tell you the truth whether it's hard to hear or not.

Shoes: Not Just For Your Feet

My slutty roommate strikes again. Ok, I'm not really being fair saying she's a slut since she has a steady asshole in her life. Still, on with the blog.

Last night was my sorority formal. Yes, I am in a sorority and no, we don't haze although I wish that we did - the good stuff like scavenger hunts, not the bad stuff like sitting a girl on a dryer and turning it on so that frat boys can circle everything that jiggles.

Anyways, after she took the early bus back home with the asshole, an hour and a half I was welcomed home to the sounds of the tow of them going at it like rabid dogs and her headboard banging against the wall.

Yes, I realize that sex is a part of human nature and everyone (practically) does it, but it's quite another thing to be a complete bitch about it and make your roommate feel like a part of a dirty threesome. So to show my frustration and try to get my point across, a point that I have been politely expressing through notes and calm confrontations, I threw shoes at her door. It had to be done. Slamming the bathroom door didn't let them know that I could hear them - keep in mind that it was 1:30am and I was tired and my feet hurt and all I wanted to do was sleep - so shoes chucked directly at her bedroom door was a last resort.

And it worked.

Out comes the bitch, leaving the asshole nicely in her room with the door closed, and start by asking if I was crying because she thought that she heard me crying. This is obviously a lie considering that it took two shoes to the door for anything to even happen, so how on earth would she have been able to hear my crying if I had indeed be crying. Anyways, once I stated that I was only able to hear them going at it, she rips into me about being unfair with the throwing of the shoes. Ummm, excuse me but how is that unfair to her? Please also keep in mind that I never make noise, especially after she's gone to bed, and I always turn down any volume of what is playing when she is trying to sleep. Apparently this isn't reciprocated because along with hearing her faking pleasure, she had shitty country music playing in the background. She then proceeded to make herself out to be the victim, each point brought up being shot down by yours truly until she had nothing left. Granted, she had nothing to begin with so it wasn't really a fair fight for her. She actually asked if I would rather she just never have sex. I, feeling generous, responded that I didn't care if she had sex I just didn't want to have to hear it. Really, I don't think that that's really that big of a request.

She then today blamed being her usual stupid, forgetful, last-minute self on it being 'a really bad day' trying to get some sympathy. It didn't work becasue the people who she used the excuse on knew what really happened.

On the bright side, yesterday was an amazing day and only went downhill once I came home. Formal was fantastic, the food was delicious, the company was the best that a person could ask for (for the most part), and my friend was told that I was 'gorgeous' and 'had an absolutely perfect body' by her male best friend who is also her friend-with-benefits. I was both appaled and flattered at that. Appaled becasue it's a little weird since I had only met this guy yesterday and because he and a good friend of mine had a sexual history and he told her all this while she was straddling him; flattered because, well, semi-strangers never tell me things like that. I really only get told that I look nice by my friends and family and sometimes I feel as though they are obligated to say things like that.

Procrastination Station

There are two things that I should be doing right now. Writing this blog is not one of them, and neither is watching Sean Connery in First Knight. Of course, those are the things that I am doing instead of A. writing my writing assignment that was due last Wednesday for peer editing, and B. studying for my pop culture midterm that I have in roughly 10 hours.

I think that it's safe to say that I have officially screwed myself.

The thing that really bothers me is that I don't know why I do it. I know that I should be working on my school work, that I should be getting the best grades that I can, that I should be going to class every day, but still I don't.

It's like all I want to do is sit as a lump and do... nothing. I want to write, cook, sew, paint. There are so many things that I want to to and yet I cannot. It's as if I am destined to have everything grow around me while I disappear into the background.

I wish that I knew how to break this cycle and just be a normal student who studies and gets her work done.

Divided We Fall

As a child from divorced parents, I've heard it all. Every fight, every comment, everything. One would think, that as people who were together for around 3o years that my parents would be able to be more civil to each other at times when there isn't a family death involved.

Apparently I think wrong.

They always fight about the stupidest things, too. And it always seems to be my mother that starts things.

Boy, can she really make a person feel guilty for living. Most of the time, her 'oh woe is me' act is brought upon herself too. Really, it's a wonder that I even have a relationship with her anymore. I just really hope that I never become like she is to her mother - someone who she would rather ignore and sweep under the rug than anything else. Granted, being that way keeps her out of family drama, but still... I find myself not wanting to see my own grandmother because of how my mother feels about her.

Despite everything I still strive for my mother's approval. She makes my life a living hell at times and I fall ass over feet to please her. If she were a boyfriend I would have hired a hit out or something, at the very least I would have dumped his sorry ass, but since it's my mother there's not much I can do other than waiting for her to die. Although she's really too stubborn to die, I think. She will outlive us all.

But now she's all pissed off over income taxes and finances. She doesn't want my dad to claim my tuition... but at the same time she can't claim it and it doesn't do anything for me to claim it... or something. I have to admit that I don't know all the details about taxes, so I'm sort of walking in the dark, but I trust my accountant and what she has to say about it all.

Mostly, I just don't know what to do.

If I allow my dad to claim it, my mother is going to stop paying my rent, paying my tuition, and bailing me out of random financial problems when I'm without a job. She would also make it so that I never have a moment of peace. All of which would end up with me either dropping out of school and becoming a stripper, or staying in school but still becoming a stripper so that I can pay my bills.

Of course, I could still just claim it all myself and hopefully that would pacify her, but I seriously doubt it. And even if it did, it would only be a matter of time before something else sets her off and she's hanging rent and tuition over my head and out of reach unless I comply. She's done it before and she will keep doing it until I'm out from under her thumb - which may never be ever for all I know.

I just really hate this. It makes me feel like I'm not in control of my life and if I wasn't such a fat-girl I would stop eating or something to make myself feel as though I were in control of something. Luckily, or unluckily (whatever), I like food way too much to give it up. If anything, this is going to make me eat more and gain weight that has no place to go. I swear to god that I may just shoot myself of I go up another clothing size. Last year was bad enough in that department.

It all boils down to the fact that I do not know what to do. If I don't claim it, I'm fucked. Plain and simple. If I go behind her back and let my dad claim it, and if she finds out, I'm still fucked. Possibly more than option one. I might even be written out of her will. But my accountant says that I should let my dad claim it, and I trust her judgement. She's not only mine, my dad's and my mother's accountant, but a personal friend of my mother so it's not like she would screw me over.

I don't know what the right thing to do is and there is so much else going on in my life that this piled on top of everything else is the worst thing in the world right now.

Seriously, sometimes I wish that I wasn't as strong a person as I am. And I know that's horrible to think, but at times like these I can't help it.

Tell Satan I said 'Hi'

I seriously loathe my roommate. It's not just the guy that she has over, the banging of her headboard, and the shower parties at 2am; no, it's more than that.

Let's start with the fact that she's a real actress. I'm talking turning on the waterworks when she has to, the fake-niceness that she has around everyone - only to talk about them behind their backs later - and her general 'nice girl' act. But then there's the act that she puts on to make people believe that she's something other than who she really is: an evil whore.

Now, I've only come to realize that this is what she does. Before, when we were just friends - a term that I now use loosely - she would go off in the middle of a movie and start to scrub the kitchen floor with a toothbrush. She wanted us to think that she was insanely OCD about her apartment being clean. Since living with her, I have come to realize that it was, in fact, an act to make her seem perfect or something. Here's the truth though.

1. She hasn't cleaned the bathroom in god knows how long and the first time that I cleaned it this year I was scrubbing off stains. You don't get stains on a bathtub unless you never wash it. She even remarked about the stains after, being all 'Oh wow you got them off!'. All I did was clean the bathtub like I would have cleaned any other one.
No, her idea of cleaning the bathtub is closing the shower curtain to hide the filth.

2. It is the season where salt and sand are everywhere to combat slipping on ice so it is inevitable that when it sticks to your shoes it is tracked into the house. Being in a small apartment, there is only so much sand a person can take before it starts to really piss you off. Especially when all traffic has to trek through the sand, leading to it being transferred into other rooms. The amount of dirt that I have sucked up with the vacuum is disturbing and she, as far as I know, has never done it. She also doesn't take her shoes off on the mat, making it so that there's more dirt than need be on the floor.

3. The girl can't properly load a dishwasher to save her life. Generally, this is something that is learned at an early age and even if you don't grow up with a dishwasher, it's freaking common knowledge how things should fit. The times have been numerous where something wasn't able to be washed because she had it where it wouldn't get washed. She never turns on the dishwasher either - however since I'm usually the one that does that I can re-arrange things so that it is right. At least she empties the dishes, though never seems to make sure that they're actually clean before putting them away...
She also doesn't grasp the concept that, if all bowls, pots, and forks are dirty and are in the dishwasher, then maybe it's time to turn it on? It's not that big and can't fit that much so it fills fairly quickly.
She's just stupid, I think.

4. When she's putting on her act for people, she always moves my things. I can then never find them where I left them and it takes forever to find them. Thank you, you are not my mother, so don't touch my stuff. It's not a hard concept to understand. Obviously I left my things there for a reason. Ask me if you want them moved. Really, not that hard!


A friend of mine thinks that some of this hatred stems from me being jealous of her slutty ways and her slutty boyfriend.

Yes, I hate feeling like a part of a threesome that I do not want to be involved with when I'm forced to listen to them going at it. Thanks, if I wanted a ménage-a-trois I could find one that I wanted to be in. Hell, if I wanted to have sex in the first place, I'd find someone myself. I don't generally watch porn, I don't want to have to listen to it either.

I also don't pay rent every month to be forced to listen to it either. I mean, really, is it so much to ask that when you do it you make sure that your headboard doesn't bang against the freaking wall? Shove a pillow in between, screw on the car, lay horizontally across the bed, I'm not even having the sex and I can think of solutions to the noise problem!

And as for the shower, do that when I'm not home. Simple. It would be different if my bed wasn't right on the wall that is shared between my room and the bathroom, but that's how it is.

Sometimes, I would really just like to go all Jedi on her ass...

Maybe then she would be a decent roommate.

I Am Whoever You Say I Am?

Why is is that people always do the things that are the worst for them? I have girl friends who just cannot understand the idea that you're able to live your life without constantly having a boyfriend to tell you what to do. Then there are others who just cannot see that the guys she is 'in love' with is harming her emotionally and psychologically though not physically. I mean, when a guy tells you to back off and leave him alone, when he blocks and deletes you from all forms of communication, and when his friends are threatening bodily harm, he's REALLY not worth it. Truth is, no guy is worth being brutally emotionally abused by, especially when it starts to affect your entire life.

For example, I have a really good friend who was friends with this guy who was in the American military. This guy had seen and done things that he couldn't even talk about to other people about; he was seriously fucked up. He had also been engaged at one point in time to a fellow, female, marine. Everything was fine until he admits to my friend, after them being friends for quite a while, that he has a thing for her that's more than friendly and more than the sister-brother thing that they had going on. So, that's fine, whatever. They fool around once or twice, and then then shit really hits the fan. And this is where things start to get hairy.

His ex and his best friend show up and the ex punches him in the face hard enough to make his neck twist around. I think that they also broke down a door, but I could be mixing that up with something that they did to someone else just to prove that they could get into her apartment and she could do shit all to stop them. Anyways, neither his ex or his friend are happy about my friend. Here enters some bullshit about never fully understanding the military until you've served and killed an innocent person, or some such shit. Long story short, he makes my friend cry, his ex and best friend both threaten her, and then she's stupid enough to not back down.

Here's the part that I really do not understand. Obviously this guy has more than enough baggage to deal with himself, she really shouldn't have to deal with it as well. But apparently she wants to. Let me make it perfectly clear that many of us have told her that she's being fucking stupid about the whole thing that that there are better, more sane and stable, guys out there for her: ones with better friends.

Ok, so, the other night my friend gets completely drunk (not to mention stupidly so. the girl couldn't even undo a chain lock on a door to get out) and texts this guy. He then proceeds to rip her drunken heart to shreds, again, and it probably leads to her drinking more. I can't be sure about that part since I wasn't there when she was drinking, but I can speculate. Then, once she gets home after blowing her fuse at myself and others who are just worried about her sanity (among other things, like her well-being) she starts to communicate with him over MSN, which ends badly. The next morning, though the time stamp read something like 3 minutes after she finished her 'conversation' with this completely moronic asshole, his best friend, also a marine, starts to message her and basically threatening her.

Any normal, sane, and smart person would know that enough is clearly enough and that it's really not worth all this heartache. Apparently my friend isn't the brightest bulb when it comes to this stuff because she is still thinking that something positive is going to come from this. Honestly, this really worries me. I can't help but think that I'm going to wake up one morning and she's either killed herself or someone has taken her out because she really does believe that she has a fighting chance at this when up against some really pissed off marines. Not only that, but her world seems to be crumbling down around her and her own self with it.

But back to the matter at hand; stupid girls. Seriously, I have never been one of them when it comes to boys and relationships. I know when to cut my losses and I know when it's real. I really like to think of myself as a smart girl who has her moments. Sadly, the reality is that there are so many of these stupid girls out there. Why can then not see that defining yourself by who you're with is not healthy? In many ways, it would be like defining yourself by the sexually transmitted disease that you carry. Like, 'Ooh I have gonorrhea. That makes me better than you', or, 'Sorry, I can't go out to dinner with you guys tonight because my chlamydia says that I can't'. See how stupid that is?

I also am in charge, right now anyways, for my sorority's website. Something that I have done is make a members page where each girl in the sorority (almost) is listed by year and alphabetically with their name, program, and fin facts about themselves. One girl submitted a fun fact about the fact that her boyfriend was (at the time, he's since returned) in Afghanistan. Seriously? Her fun fact about HERSELF was about her BOYFRIEND. I just shook my head in disgust and used one of the other facts she listed for the website. What is happening to this world?

I seriously hope that, as we age, these sorts of ideals that people hold will crumble because they will realize how incredibly stupid they are being. If I could, I would personally go around and slap some sense into each and every person who needed it. I would even do it for free on the weekends or during my vacation time from work. I would only as that, since I would be doing a favor to the entire world, that I would have diplomatic immunity in every country. That way, when I travel I can still do something constructive.

Heroine - From First To Last

So, facebook has struck again by way of a friend tagging me in one of his many notes. This one: music based. So what you're supposed to do is put your iTunes on shuffle and write down the songs as they come in sequence so that they fill in their respective places. It's supposed to tell something mystical about your life... or whatever. I was bored, so I did it, and here it is in all its glory.

WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY?
Silence is Golden - The Tremeloes

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY:

The Music or the Misery - Fall Out Boy

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?

Maybe Tomorrow - Stereophonics

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?

Beyond the Hourglass - I Am Ghost

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?

Lover's Requiem - I Am Ghost

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?

The Earth Will Shake - Thrice

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?

Red Flags and Long Nights - She Wants Revenge

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIENDS?

Syntax - Sylvie

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?

Do You Wanna Dance? - The Ramones

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S STORY?

Heartache (a chapter from Little Women) - Radio Theatre

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?

The River - Good Charlotte

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?

Kidnap the Sandy Claws - The Nightmare Before Christmas

... ummm do-over

Don't Cha - Pussycat Dolls

much better...

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?

Sick - Lillix

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?

My Humps - The Black Eyed Peas

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?

Square Dance - Eminem

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?

I Do (Cherish You) - 98'

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?

Rally - IllScarlett

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?

Come Clean - Green Day

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?

Abracadabra - Sugar Ray

WHAT WILL THE TITLE OF THIS NOTE BE?

Heroine - From First To Last

Weird thing, some of these are spot now, especially taking recent events into consideration. Some of these are just funny... Apparently I'm scared of cleanliness and my friends either think that I'm going to make a big impact on the world, or I'm just that influential. Maybe it means that my anger can get the better of me? Who knows.

This was a rather fun little exercise though. Maybe next time the prophets will be more on their game.

Gimme a Break!

So Spring Break is just around the corner and usually this means getting really drunk in some hot location at night and then sleeping it off in the sun during the day. Sadly, I will not be joining the masses this year and instead have chosen to spend time with friends I barely get to see and family. After all, I did the whole southern experience last year and, really, there was nothing spectacular about it. The drinks were loaded with sugar, the food all tasted the same, and though the scenery was absolutely gorgeous, there weren't a lot of people where we were.

I suppose it was relaxing. I did get to read The Other Boleyn Girl, which was fantastic and is a book that I highly recommend. With only having to sit on the beach and read in the shade - to avoid sunburning which I do all to easily - it was nice. But the fact is, I could have easily stayed at home and sat under a heat lamp for the same effect. And I would have saved myself a blistering sunburn in an unmentionable place. Let's just say that the ride home was in excruciating pain. Hence why I'm not going anywhere this year. Also, I don't want to shell out $1500 for a mediocre trip which will be full of drunken people that I can barely stand while sober.

So, this year is going to be spent at home with my Mum and in Montreal with on of my best friends. That's all. No fruity drinks served by the cabana boy, no needing to obsessively apply sunblock to prevent both skin cancer and another horrible burn, and definitely no drama resulting from some people being too drunk to watch what they say. This year will be full of fun, relaxation, lots of driving, and cold snow.

Ok, so remind me again why I'm not getting away from the weather? Then again, after careful consideration, give me blankets of snow over sunburns and drunk girls any day. Both are bigger problems than they're worth and this way I won't be left in pain, either emotional or physical, in the end.

Questioning Humanity... or Lack Thereof

Explain to me exactly why there is a need in a week-old relationship for the guy to spend every night with the girl? I mean, usually it's the other way around... isn't it?

I understand that once a relationship is really formed, the inevitability of sleepovers is reached and it's obvious that roommates are going to either have to deal with an empty bedroom or the headboard banging in the room next door, but usually this commitment is reached after the one month period of there about.

My roommate and her flavor of the month have been shacking up since they first met. Usually, this deems the person a slut and the guy, well, a guy. So, apparently she's a slut who 'isn't having sex with him' and yet the headboard is going and there are moans and the like.

I may be a virgin, but I'm not stupid. You don't have to of had sex to know what sex sounds like. And really, I could care less that she's whoring herself out while "on a break" from the apparent love of her life. Obviously there's more to that story than anyone is letting out, but let's run with it. As the only other roommate in the place, having a stranger spend several nights in a row in the next room is not only awkward but unsafe. For all she knows, and me as well, he's some serial rapist who skins his victims when he's done with them. He could be making a human suit as we speak. Ok, not right this very minute since they're going at it, but you catch my drift. And he could be waiting for the trust to be gained by her, and her legs to open enough times, until he strikes. If he killed me and not her (why would you kill the cow when you're getting the milk for free?) could she be charged as an accessory to murder? Too bad we don't have corporal punishment.

The fact is, I don't feel safe in my own house. Last year was different when the (different) roommate brought home randoms from the bar since there were 12 other people or more in the house at any given time. One scream would have had the guys beating down our doors to avenge us. This is different. Plus, my door doesn't have a lock.

But I shouldn't feel as though I have to lock my own bedroom door at night. Right?

This also leads me to questioning; where the hell does this guy live anyways that he's always here? Can she not go to his place and shack up or what? Maybe he's still living with mommy and daddy? But if he is, and he wants to have sex, he should do it there too and let me sleep at night. Or he could just move out like a big boy.

I swear to all that is holy that if I hear sex sounds one more time while I'm trying to sleep I am going to beat on her bedroom door with the heel of a stiletto. Those things can make a lot of noise with utilized properly. Apparently they can help you get away from a sexual attacker as well if you aim it as their neck.

Note to self: make sure that all pointy shoes are within reaching distance from now on.