I am a Malicious Bitch

In case you haven't already noticed/discovered/realized, I am a very blunt person. At least in my own head I am and here on my blog. The only other times that I am coarse is when I care about someone dearly. This, my readers, is reserved only for people who are my close friends and family.

So when those two collide there are problems.

But let us back this up to closer to the beginning.

See, my good friend, at least she was until about a week ago, started to date my cousin over the summer. He's a good two years younger than her in age, older than her in looks, and about 15 years younger in the maturity level - which is feat since hers are really low at this moment. Maybe that makes them about even...

Anyways, the point here is that I know them both extremely well and I am usually the one who had to clean up their messes.

In fact, during the summer, though before they started dating, my cousin got naked and had several hours of not remembering with another close friend of mine. I was the one who could be heard screaming all through my sorority house while the other girls were packing and I think that people in Taiwan heard me too. Needless to say, at first the story seemed as though they had unsafe sex and were driving drunk. It turned out that it was a 'no' to the sex but a 'yes' to the drunk driving. Both of them got an ear-full from me that weekend.

Ok, back on track.

Within the last two weeks, my friend who is dating my cousin, let's call her Tracy, came to visit me at university. We had a good time but it was always interfered with by my cousin, let's call him Jamie, constantly texting and calling her. And do I mean constantly. It was so noticeable that my friends mentioned it to me after that she seemed distracted and a little anti-social. This fact is something that Tracy herself admitted that she felt that way to me during a drunken heart-to-heart; her feeling antisocial because she was always on her cell phone. Other than that, her visit was fun. We went out, had good times, and generally just did girly stuff for two days.

But then last Friday happened.

I went with close friends of mine to an open frat party and proceeded to get quite drunk. Before I go any further, though, let me add that in the last two years the amount of times that I have gotten even tipsy are few enough to count on one hand. That's in TWO YEARS. The amount of times that I have even had an alcoholic beverage aren't that much more. So, being a drunk girl, I drink-dial two of my close girl friends who weren't there with me. Rachelle was proceeding to get drunk herself in Montreal which I only got Tracy's voicemail. So I left a message.

Not five minutes later I receive a text from Jamie saying, and I quote,

"Can u explain how I'm the alcoholic? Nice voicemail there drunky"

to which I reply,

"You are an asshole",

only it was more incorrectly spelled. Hey, it's hard to text while drunk. He then replies,

"and ur drunk as usual".

Didn't we just go over how I am practically NEVER drunk? I then reply,

"I am never drunk asshole",

this time spelling everything correctly. I think it was more to show that I was more sober than I really was, but who knows exactly what was going through my mind at the time.

His response - "Ya ok watever helps u sleep at night".

And I left it there. He was ruining my night and all I wanted to do was have one more night of fun before exams started. Hell, the few nights of real fun that I have had in the past two years don't even make a blip on the radar of fun. Even if I partied every night from now until September I don't think that I would even be caught up on fun.

The next morning continued in a downward spiral, thankfully minus a hangover, with Tori texting me,

"U drunk fool i didn't understand a word u said to me last night".

Well, I was drunk and in the middle of a freaking frat party... Did you expect to be able to understand anything? I don't think that Superman with his super sonic hearing would have heard what I said with clarity. So, uh, duh?

"Yeah well [tell] your boyfriend that my messages to you do not warrant responses from him. But my night was great minus that",

was my answer to that.

Then she said,

"He just getting u back and ur msg was incoherent so u cant say anything now when he drinks"

Explain that logic to me. I'm having an alcoholic scolding me on my booze intake... Where does that make sense? And, really, how petty and low does a person have to be to say something like that to me - what he said and not her - as a way of 'getting back at me'. See where his whole immaturity thing comes in?

I then say, through two texts because the word limit ran out,

"That makes no sense. If i wanted to talk to him i would. I wanted to talk to you and if memory serves the two of you are not the same person. And you seriously wonder why your friends all hate him? THAT is why"

Needless to say, she stopped responding to my texts after that.

So after a few days of her ignoring me, I sent her an e-mail basically saying that I don't appreciate Jamie responding to message that I leave for her on his own phone. Really, it's one thing if someone messages someone else and their significant other messages back a response on behalf of the original recipient because they were unable to themselves. That is something that is nice and allowed. Really, it's common courtesy. It's quite another for the significant other to take it into their own hands to respond in order to mock you or to be an asshole.

Tracy does not understand this simple concept which is why she took his side.

Her reply to my e-mail which expressed my concerns for her, for how she was going to treat a mutual friend while that friend was visiting her in Toronto, and my personal feelings was this:

"I cant deal with anymore, I chose him"

Yes, I am small enough a person that at right this moment I am taking pleasure that she's stupid enough to not use proper grammar in an e-mail. Of course, in a few days I might be guilty about that. But for now, it makes me feel better about the world.

Shall we look at the bigger picture though? Yes, I was harsh in the e-mail that I sent her. I was hurt by my close friend, it's a normal reaction. I did take the time to have another friend read over the e-mail before I sent it though and get her opinion. She said that, at first, she would be hurt but that she wouldn't let something like that ruin our friendship. She's a much better friend to me than Tracy then.

Let me now take the time that at no point in said e-mail did I give her an ultimatum. I am not the sort of person who would do that to a friend no matter what the situation. I didn't mean for her to feel the need to make one either. When I countered her e-mail I stated that, along with the fact (again) that when I contact her I don't want him being the one to write back, I also said,

"We can still be friends and I can not enjoy your boyfriend's company. It's not impossible...So if YOU really don't want to be my friend anymore, fine; there's nothing that I can do to change that. But don't I at least deserve more than a one sentence response? Especially when all I did was tell you how I felt and gave you some advice".

Again, all that I said was what I felt. I'm sorry that I'm the type of person that I worry about my friends and all that I want for them is the best that can happen to them. I don't want her to find up obese (let's be honest, she's a big girl already), living in her home town with a shit job at the variety store, more children than she can financially afford, and a marriage that is failing because neither one of them had fully discovered their true selves before jumping off the deep end. This is a situation that I have seen way too many times and I don't want it to happen to her.

What really hurts is that, not only does she think that I'm only maliciously attacking her "true love" (She has had one other boyfriend in her 22 years and he was gay. We all knew that he was gay before they started dating and she refused to believe it. They didn't even really kiss while they were 'dating'.), blah, blah, blah, but she also thinks that I am a liar and would say anything in order to get my point across. Thanks, but I would never stoop that low. I may be a bitch but I'm not a complete waste of space with no life of her own.

She also thinks that I'm "constantly cruel" to her boyfriend and start things with him. Yeah, he's the one that starts them, he's the one who messages me, and he's the one who is "constantly cruel". I just defend myself. On top of that, just because I've never been "in love" I don't know what it is, and I'm childish.

I admit, I have my childish moments (who doesn't) but I'm more mature than both of them on one of my bad day.

I'm also, supposedly, ignorant and if you "ask anyone [I am] notorious for sticking [my] nose where it does not belong! "

She then ends the e-mail, "To remain my friend, i require you to keep your comments to yourself, as i no longer will be needing any of your advice. Do not contact [jamie] in any way as i have requested him to do as well and come back to me when you have figured out what it is within you that bothers you so much about us being together and your hatred for him. Until then, please leave us alone"

Oh, I'm also "jelous" of what the two of them have.

Yeah, I'm really jealous of the fact that she flunked out of a low-end university, had to live at home for a year to pay off some of her debt, is still in debt, went to college for make-up (ok that is pretty cool and something that I think would be amazing to do) only to end up working at The Body Shop and going nowhere with what she has learned, dating a guy two years younger, and losing her own self in said relationship. Wow, that's a lot to be jealous of.

Thanks, but I'm quite happy going to university for a degree that will let me get into publishing, having amazing friends and my sorority sisters, living my life according to my own rules, being myself, and discovering who I am mean to be. Oh yeah, I'm super jealous of you Tracy.

Oh get a clue.

And I know what bothers me. It bothers me that I care enough about you that I want you to live life to its fullest and with where you are now and what you're doing, I can see it not happening at all. That's what bothers me.

And what really bothers me that, this not being the first time that she's bailed on being my friend because of something or other (always stemming from her own personal problems and me being an easy target to take them out on), I still don't want to see bad things happen to her and I just want the best of everything for her life. That's what friends are meant for. I don't want her to get hurt, I don't want to see her making stupid decisions with her life. I don't want her to fall into the small-town mentality trap and waste her life away working a shit job for minimum wage.

But I'm also tired of her walking all over me and dangling our friendship on a string. As much as I still want to be friends with her I can also see that she's a poisonous friend who only ever seems to think of herself, or at least only ever sees one side. I always feel as though I'm the one who has to make sure that our friendship is still on the tracks; that we are still friends.

So I ended my last e-mail to her,

"But, really, you know what, fuck you. I've said my piece and I'm not going to jump through hoops to remain your friend. Friendship isn't about "requirements" it's about truth and I have been nothing but truthful to you about everything. If it's something that you don't like then it's something that we talk about until we sort it out. Friendship isn't about repressing your emotions, your advice, or your thoughts. It's about compromise and understanding that everyone isn't cookie-cutter alike, something which I don't think you quite understand yet, and it's about realizing that you're going to have opposing views on things and that that's ok. It's also about realizing that friendship should count more in your life than a relationship; hos over bros and all that. So when you have your metaphorical balls surgically re-attached and your head removed from your ass, and the 'honeymoon' phase of your relationship is over you can try and contact me."

I admit, though, that having lost as many friends as I have over the years, from moving, to change in school, to change in hobbies, I'll more than likely become her friend again when her life falls down around her. I'll have my personal 'I told you so' moment and we'll carry on.

She was my friend before him, hopefully she might be my friend after him.

For now though, I'm done. She's ultimately dead to me. And it's really sad.

I just wish that things weren't like this, but I'm not going to change. I'm a cynical person who can come off as a bitch but I see reality for what it is, and I'm going to tell you what I think if you really mean that much to me whether or not you want to hear it.


Take it or leave it. I may be a bitch but at least I'm always going to tell you the truth whether it's hard to hear or not.