So, my grandmother died the other night. It was rather sudden - though I'm pretty sure that she's been wanting this for a while - but at the same time, I remain unaffected. It's like I am unable to cry. It's like I don't actually feel grief. I have only cried once when I found out that my uncle died 10 years ago. Since then, I have lost aunts, great-grandmothers and my grandfather and have yet to cry even once over them. This fact has made me known among my family as a cold-hearted bitch.
But here's the thing, I cry all the time over stupid things. A TV show or movie that is sad, I cry like a baby. I cry when I'm stressed and I cry when things get to be too much. But I can't cry when I'm sad or when I should cry.
Seriously. Even at my grandfather's funeral, when my own mother started to cry, I kept my tears to myself. Sure, I got teary-eyed but nothing escaped and I was able to make them go away shortly after.
This has gotten me to thinking about what exactly crying is supposed to mean. I know that it doesn't make you weak, and I know that it's a natural reaction that your body has when things are overwhelming. I know that fear, sadness, grief, anger, happiness, joy, and just about every other emotion can bring a person to tears and that they don't belong in any one category of emotional release. But does being unable to cry at certain emotions mean that you are not truly experiencing that emotion? Or does it mean that you're able to remove yourself entirely from the situation?
Then comes the question: Am I more engrossed in the lives that I read about and watch, the fictional lives that come from someone elses imagination? It seems as though there are more times that I have cried when reading a book or watching TV - "Skins" comes to mind, the episode of Chris' funeral and Jal does her own eulogy. I balled like a little girl while alone in my room watching it on-line.
Still, the act of crying is something that the reason behind it alludes me. I don't understand why we as people feel the need to expel salt water from our bodies. It seems a little weird if you really stop and think about it.
I guess what really gets to me is why death always seems to bring about the reastion of tears from people. My cousins are notorious for it and will break out in tears at the drop of a hat when anyone dies. She was a wreck at our grandfather's funeral, as was her mother. Both of them should have been given something so that they were a little more coherent during the wake and funeral. I think that it should be a little better this time, but the question is by how much. Anyways, death is a natural way of the world. All things are going to die, unless you're a 154 year old vampire as many people wish they were (thanks Twilight...), and death is the natural way of life. All carbon beings eventually fall at some point: Trees, pets, bugs, people, flowers, everything. So why do people die when they knew it was coming? Sure, sadness comes from it since it's the passing of someone or something from your life, but I wish that western civilization was more like those who celebrate death instead of mourning it. You have to wonder, generally when someone dies they are being released from whatever prison held them. Imagine if people didn't die. So many people would be trapped in their lives, unable to do anything. Car crash victims, cancer patients, old people, would all be living their life in the dungeon of their own bodies, unable to do what healthy, younger, whole people would be doing at the time.
Death is the outlet for life. It is the final ending, the last chapter, the epilogue.
I would like to think that people were re-born into a different life. It would be nice to think that someone who, in their previous life, was down-and-out, poor, malnourished, everything horrible that a person could possibly be, that when they were re-born that they were in a life that was better than the last. They would have a fresh start, a clean slate, and be able to make a difference in their new life free from the knowledge of the previous.
All the more reason that tears can be pointless.
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